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I feel about 1,000 years old.  On Friday morning I waited to get some X-rays done.  Pretty soon they're going to know me by name since I'm there so often.  I've been having pain on the medial side of my knee again when I walk.  I was worried because that's what happened after my first surgery-when it had failed.  I just can't help but think about what will happen if this surgery (my cartilage transplant) fails as well.  I guess I shouldn't think like that but I won't know if it was successful until the 3-6 month mark.  It's been about two months since my surgery.  I keep thinking to myself I'm going to school no matter what in the fall (my surgeon has ruled out taking classes at Stanford for the summer).  He had been so hopeful that this would work too.  I glanced across at my mother who's worry line has etched even deeper into the space between her brows.

It's hard to keep my worry to myself but I don't want to worry my family more either.  I'm hoping it will be okay.  I'm getting an MRI in the next couple of weeks.  I feel a little bratty for saying this but I see my whole young adulthood shooting by as I try unsuccessfully to walk and then this problem follows me throughout life.  Taylor Swift's somewhat annoying but catchy song "22" seems out of reach as 20, 21, 22, and perhaps even 23 passes me by.

I was able to step down after not putting any weight on my right leg for 6 weeks.  That is harder than it looks.  I feel like I'm in a little secret society of people who have dealt with injuries or mobility issues.  We give each other a sort of silent nod as we pass one another by.

I'm not walking normally because it's been so long (almost 3 years for the onset and 2 years since my first surgery-microfracture, just as painful as it sounds).  Basically I'm hobbling or gimping around with one crutch.  I feel like Tiny Tim (or Tiny Tina as my mom joked).  You could hear yells of "Walk slower!" and "Heel-toe!" in the house at all hours of the day.  The neighbors are probably like, "Shut it."  Eh, not so much worse than what they usually hear, my dad blasting CNN and me singing "I Dreamed a Dream" or "On My Own" to Pilgrim depending on how I'm feeling.  Pilgrim looks at me as if to say, "Enough with all this theatrical nonsense!  Learn a new song woman!"  I reserve "I Dreamed a Dream" for when I am feeling really low and like life sucks (basically giving myself a pity-party, party of 1).  "On My Own" is saved for when I'm feeling especially alone.

So hopefully I'll learn that everything is okay, okay as it can be, with my knee.  It's funny I think people forget that a knee sounds inconsequential unless you remember that you need it to walk.  And you need to be able to walk to get around and do everything else in order to function in normal, everyday life.  And you need to get around by yourself in order to be independent.  I used to dread and hate that part the most the last year I was at school before I took a medical leave of absence.  The explaining to people and asking for help for everything.  I used to go to bed thinking about it and wake up worrying about it.  That dependence is hard to understand for people who have never been through it and the worst kind of helplessness.  There are two types of reactions, I've found, to personal stories of bad life experiences (be it illness or injury).  There are those who try to empathize and (much more than you would think) those who don't want to hear about it.  It's as if they believe you are just making it up for some kind of sick, twisted game of putting attention on yourself or that you are being overly dramatic.  (I had a roommate that last year who would roll her eyes every time someone asked me about it and I tried to explain what was going on.)  Those people are so foreign to me, it's as if they come from another planet.  I can't wrap my mind around it and am still put off by it (though not nearly as much anymore-I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing).

I'm still on pain relievers (the strong prescription kind) and have a significant amount of pain.  There was a glimmer, I could see independence through the smallest crack in the sky.  I don't want that to disappear.  All I want is to be able to walk (without too much pain).  I remember what my ID tag/wrist band said this last time at the hospital and wondered how far away that day would be.  "Articular cartilage disorder of the knee/patella/tibia/fibula," it wrote.  

Adorbs

After making my "grumpy cat playlist," I've been thinking about some other things that make me feel better on dark days.  I love pictures of sleeping animals as they look so much cuter than people while they're sleeping (I'm not sure how Edward found Bella attractive when he watched her sleeping-in my case at least I'm pretty sure there would be a minor amount of snoring involved).  I mean look at this picture of Pilgrim sleeping.

And look at this video of a cat sleeping in front of the TV.



Right?  Right?

Okay just a few more animal videos/pics and I promise I'm done!

What's with the attraction to boxes?  Hmmm...might have to try this with Pilgrim.

Funniest dog ever (besides Pilgrim of course).

And lastly, if I could get a friend for Pilgrim I would love to adopt these!!

Teacup Pomeranian-This can not be real can it??

Eeeeee! So basically any animal with "teacup" in its name is adorable.

I actually want to steal Taylor Swift's cat Meredith.  She just seems to have a really good personality and takes no b.s. from anyone.  She would tell you what's what.

Another video that always makes me feel better that is unrelated to sleepy or funny animals is "Shit Girls Say."  It may be a tad offensive and stereotypical but man it's funny and I see myself in the part where "she" eats all the potato chips and then gets mad at her boyfriend for not taking the bowl away.

Something else that makes me feel better (at least temporarily) when I'm down is food that looks cute.  What is this you ask?

Oh...

My...

Goodness.

In the distant, distant future I feel like I would be an amazing mother if I could make food look this cute for my kids.  Probs not gonna happen though.  Plus, if their names were food-related like I want them to be (Olive and Lemon!) that would just be freaking adorable.

Okay, I'm done being annoying, for now at least.

Never Been Kissed Part 2

I wonder why Drew Barrymore hasn’t done those kind of sweet, likable films like Never Been Kissed and Ever After in quite some time.  She’s the original “adorkable” heroine that is also utterly relatable.  It turns out I have a lot in common with her character, Josie, in Never Been Kissed.  Like Josie I too am shy, was a nerd in high school, and want to be a writer.  The biggest similarity between us, though, is far more embarrassing.  Yes, like Josie Geller I have never been kissed.  I take comfort in the fact that she was a few years older than me (three to be exact-I’m 22 and she is 25).  I have no excuse for this fact (I feel like I should have an excuse as mostly everyone says their first kiss was in their teens) except that I was a complete nerd in high school like I have previously mentioned.  I also was reserved.  Then my first year in college I was excited to meet people who dreamed and weren’t afraid to be different.  Soon enough, though, I was disappointed to find that people are people no matter what.  People can be mean, they can betray, they can hurt.  Most of my experiences have either been strictly flirtatious friendship or unrequited love.  The times that I thought it could happen never panned out.  A 22 year-old who has never been kissed sounds pretty lame.  It may be even lamer that I want that first kiss to count, to mean something, to be special.  I want it to be with someone I really like.  I’m not sure if it will happen like that or anything and frankly I will be mortified to share with the person that they are the first.  Maybe I won’t mention it; maybe I will only share this with you.  Call me naïve or silly but I like to think of myself as a daydreamer with a penchant for romanticism.  Tragic heroines like Tess of the D’urbervilles, witty banter, and doomed loves or ships passing in the night are my proclivities.  I guess I’m standing on the pitcher’s mound like Josie but unlike her I just haven’t found my Mr. Coulson (played by the handsome Michael Vartan) yet.

Just Another Day

Hilarious/tragic moment yesterday (which kind of shows how sad my day actually was now that I think about it):

After coming home from the dog park, my mother washed and dried her cell phone.  It was in the pocket of her jacket.  I then proceeded to ask if putting it in rice would help while my sister rolled around in laughter.  "Peri, it's already been through a rinse and dry cycle."

Never refusing to let anything go I asked if the washer and dryer were okay.  My mom asked me why wouldn't they be and I asked aloud if they would explode.

Now my mother is using my phone.  Welcome to my life.

Nail Art

My back-up plan is to be a manicurist (either that or a detective with Pilgrim as my sidekick).  In all sincerity I love to do nails (it is like a little pick-me-up) and experiment with different patterns.  Let me know what you think and if you have any new ideas I should try out!  As my surgeon said, what else do you have to do (in regards to when he told me I should be doing "thousands" of my exercises during the day to strengthen my leg).  Well, I do have something else to keep me busy...my nails!

Argh, I actually had done a snow-globe type manicure that I saw in InStyle but forgot to take a pic...will repeat and post soon!

I am obsessed with these nail pens my sister got me from Forever 21- they have gems to put on but it takes a lot of clear coat layers for them to stay

I wanted to write my name on my hands and then afterwards I saw it on Emma Stone in a Revlon ad too!

This was the ad! (That is how the Forever 21 nail pens look too and they're more affordable than the Revlon ones)

That's my ice machine hose under my foot

Kitty!  I've done Hello Kitty before as well

Cherries!

Grumpy Cat Playlist

I felt bleh today, like I just wanted to crawl under the covers and stay there forever.  I went to physical therapy, first day of aquatic therapy, and phew I got tired out.  When you are far from 100% it's funny how much energy is exerted.  After I came home I literally did get under the covers and listened to my iPod.  My mom and dad thought I was sleeping but I couldn't fall asleep.  I just stared at the pattern on my comforter and tried to figure out why I felt even more depressed (never a PC term but still overused unfortunately) than usual.

How I felt- and probably looked- today (courtesy of Grumpy Cat)

When I was trying to sync new songs to my iPod yesterday blasted iTunes said that my iPod was full.  How does that even happen anymore with the amount of space on these contraptions?  It happened to me nonetheless and now I have to go through and delete songs save get a new iPod.

So back to when I was listening to my iPod under the covers.  It made me think that I never really had a playlist for when you're just plain feeling crappy and like "Curse the world!" but don't have enough energy or heart to shake your fist.  I do have a playlist for when you're feeling angry at someone-it's a really long playlist.

This is what I listened to today:

1. "Wonderwall" by Oasis- For when we actually believed that a significant someone could save us.

2.  "In the End" by Linkin Park- There is nothing better than Chester's voice.  Have you ever felt like that?  Like you put your all into something and then it just didn't even matter anyway?

3.  "What I've Done" by Linkin Park- When I got going with the whole Linkin Park thing I couldn't stop and entered into their seemingly more religious phase.  Don't get me wrong but I still like the original Linkin Park so much better.

4.  "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind- Hey, I was down in the dumps.  "Wish you would step back from that ledge my friend...I would understaaaayeeeaaaaaand..."

5.  "White Horse" by Taylor Swift- I don't care what anyone says T. Swift was at her best in the beginning and this song of lost innocence is replayable.

6.  "Marilyn Monroe" by Nicki Minaj- An actual thoughtful Nicki Minaj song.  I'm not sure why Marilyn Monroe felt the way she did when she was so beautiful and talented and beloved but I sure felt that way today and I am far from those three things.

7.  "Who Knew" by Pink- Can somebody please explain to me why Pink isn't bigger than she is already?  Man, she has a good voice.  A lesser known song maybe, but the lyrics are so nostalgic.

8.  "Fuck and Run" by Liz Phair- Please don't judge.  I discovered this song late and Liz Phair sounds so different on it.  There is a sadness to it and a desperate yearning.  Who doesn't want "all that stupid old shit?"

9.  "Just a Dream" by Nelly- I don't usually like Nelly songs but this one is just plain good, auto-tune and all.

10. "Superman" by Five for Fighting- It sounds a little arrogant to sing this song aloud but I still do when no one's listening.  "I'm not that naive, men weren't meant to ride with clouds between their knees.  I'm only a man..."

11. "Face Down" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus- Could also be put in angry playlist.  I actually didn't know the lyrics told such a heart-wrenching story at first as I just liked the beat. 

12.  "Eyes on Fire" by Blue Foundation- An extremely emo song, although I have no idea what it is about.  I just remember hearing it in Twilight and liking it.

13.  "How to Save a Life" by The Fray- This has to be on any downer list.

14.  "Love the Way You Lie Part 2" by Rihanna (feat Eminem)- I like Part 2 slightly better, only slightly, than the original version because there are hauntingly, eerily good verses added and Rihanna sings them beautifully.  Powerful and the epitome of destruction.

15.  "Gecer" by Kutsi- This song sounds amazing even if you don't know what it means.  It is Turkish for, "This Will Pass," a break-up song lamenting the end of a relationship.

16.  "Benimle Oynama" by Burak Kut- Continuing on with the break-up theme, this is a Turkish song as well and means "Don't Play Games with Me."  It is an example of what I meant about Turkish songs that are like "I hate you" but you can fist-pump and dance to them.  Basically they sound upbeat but about love loss.

17.  "Breathe Me" by Sia- May not be eloquent but sad sad sad and lovely/heartbreaking/gorgeous.

18.  "Video" by India.Arie- Finally, I tried to end on somewhat of an upper.  This song has such poignant lyrics and makes me think for a second that I could raise my arms in the air and no one would care that I hadn't shaved. 

Waffles!

I love waffles (this from the girl who almost named her dog Waffles-it was either that or Lucky before we settled on Pilgrim).  I am so excited because I finally got my waffle necklace made by Tiny Hands Jewelry!  It is made out of clay and simply adorable.

The tiny package was put together so nicely in a box with the Tiny Hands logo.  There was also a hand-written message from Mei Pak (who makes the jewelry in Minnesota).  I had to make sure to keep it away from Pilgrim, who was extremely curious about the miniature waffle necklace.

You have to check out this website  http://tinyhandsonline.com/  where all the necklaces are handmade and shaped like tiny desserts.  I couldn't decide between the scented birthday cupcake necklace, the scented raspberry French macaron necklace, or the waffle (there is a stack o' pancakes necklace too!).  What sold the waffle was that Amy Poehler had worn it on Parks and Recreation (one of my fave shows). 

Amy Poehler wearing the waffle necklace on Parks and Rec!  Cute pairing with a fancy dress

Did I mention the best part?  The jewelry is scented!  My waffle smells like maple and butter, or butterscotch.  It makes me so happy.  Basically I'm obsessed and it's the cutest thing I've seen in a while.  Pics to come!

Me with my waffle necklace!  It smells so good

Look at the tiny squares of butter!  You can also get the waffle with fruit and whipped cream

A Pilgrim in a Cart!

I didn't know you could go into stores with your dog as long as you put them in a cart!  That is seriously so exciting.  I'm thinking of all the places we could go now (besides Fashion Island, Irvine Spectrum, and Palm Springs, places that notoriously love and allow for pups).  Come on Pilgrim, let's go!  Who's pushing who though I don't know.

Pilgrim is excited!

Ooooh, home goods

You Know You're in Turkey When...(An American of Turkish heritage in Turkey)

I wrote this piece after spending the summer in Turkey-

The beautiful waters of the Aegean Sea

*These observations are not generalizations but merely my own personal ones.

 1.  You take your life into your hands whenever you’re in a car as drivers think the middle of the
road is the way to go.  Also, it’s not a complete day until you’ve been honked at least forty times.

2.  You are greeted first by a hello, how are you, kiss on both cheeks, and a comment on how much
weight you’ve gained.

3.  You can fist-pump to the break-up songs.  At first, it’s hard to tell that the song is telling someone off and it’s unsettling to then hear “Shake your booty on the floor now” (inevitably in the remix).

4.  People on the street are gladly willing to help direct you someplace or help you get out of a
sticky parking situation.  However, smiling (especially in the grocery store) is seen as a sign of weakness.

5.  The food is mouth-watering good everywhere and hole-in-the-wall, home-food places are best
(as in New York).  Places to eat are so clean that even in the food court in the mall there are fresh, open salad bars and buffets.

6.  The color of the ocean simply cannot be replicated and it is easy to see why the name is
turquoise, or “Turkish blue.”  It is easy to scoff (especially when you’re from California) at those with surf boards as there are no waves in Turkey.

7.  The understanding of making a line at a bank or another established location is a circle.

8.  The price of everything, from clothing to food, is negotiable.

9.  It is a prerequisite that you must be able to sing and dance in order to become a Turkish
citizen.  You must also know the lyrics to Turkish songs as questions about that are always asked on game shows.

10.  In almost any Turkish home you enter someone will be able to read your fortune from Turkish
coffee grinds (“fal”).

11.  The concept of personal space is a foreign one in Turkey. Wherever you are, someone might be virtually sitting in your lap and not even notice it.

12.  When you are going to watch a show at night settle in because you’ll be there for the long
haul, at least three to four hours.  When asked if the show is still on the answer will always be yes.  (It’s no wonder when on the Turkish version of Wheel of Fortune one of the slots is “tell a secret” and song and dance breaks are taken frequently.)  Also, during commercial breaks, you can indeed make a sandwich, take a shower, visit a neighbor, and still be in time for the next portion of the show.

13.  The relatively new law (2005) requiring accessibility for people with disabilities unfortunately falls short, as I personally witnessed this summer as I used a wheelchair.  Almost everywhere is not
accessible and the ramps are of varying widths and scarily, angles.  (Places from the movie theater and even an orthopedist’s office have a hill of steps and no lifts, ramps, or even handrails.)

In Izmir, Turkey getting ready for a touristy ride!

Even with all of its quirks, it is a beautiful country to visit with much history, nice people, and amazing food.  So hos geldiniz (welcome) to Turkiye!

A Little Loneliness

A few days ago I was having one of those days.  I was feeling particularly lonely and then feeling pathetic for feeling lonely.  I had a bit of a break-down in front of my mom and sister with some tears, stifled sobs, and a "You don't understand.  I just want someone to talk to."  All in all it wasn't one of my finest moments. 

Later I told my mom, "Sorry for being so pathetic and sounding desperate."  She told me, "Honey, everyone needs somebody."  I thought that was really nice of her to say and reminded me of something she always told my older sister and me.  She said, "No one can tell you if your feelings are right or wrong because they are yours to feel."  I find myself apologizing for things I can't even help so this meant a lot to me.

Feeling lonely has such a stigma or bad connotation to it, though.  It seems almost taboo to say that you feel lonely aloud.  To me feeling lonely is just about wanting someone to talk to, even for just a little while and even if just about something as light as movies.

I just wonder where do all those thoughts, whispers, and prayers in the night go when we are feeling down?  Do the tears evaporate into the air?...

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Where do whispered prayers go at midnight?
They weave through the air
Tickling foreign ears who can't understand them
Where do whispered prayers go at midnight?
Do they break through the ceiling?
And traverse the night air to the heavens
Indiscernible, inaudible, almost indistinct


My sister did something so sweet, thoughtful and creative on Sunday to lift my spirits.  She told me she had a surprise and swore our mother to secrecy.  I awoke on Sunday morning to find an adorable early Easter basket.  It was full of little goodies, from navy blue eyeliner (that I had been wanting) to a bubble bath fizzy shaped like a cupcake to a light-up chick with a pink bonnet on.  Then I learned she had planned an egg hunt for me (in the family room and living room for easy access with my crutches).  I loved egg hunts when I was little.  Our mom would hide them in the backyard and we would go crazy.  I guess you're never too old for an egg hunt.  Afterwards, my mom cooked a delicious breakfast of eggs, fried potatoes, and sucuk (Turkish spicy beef pepperoni).  Yummy yum yum. 

Without my family, especially my mom and my sister, I know that the pang of loneliness would be even sharper.

Facebook Be Damned

As I've been away from school (Stanford University) for two years now I sometimes find myself drawn to Facebook to try and reconnect with the campus and its happenings and my peers.

This proves to be a bit masochistic as I always come away feeling more depressed.  I should remind myself of these following reasons I should stay away from Facebook:

1. Just like Mindy Kaling's book title http://theconcernsofmindykaling.com/the-book, everyone is indeed hanging out without you (or me in this case).

2. Getting messages for events that I would not have even gone to if I had been on campus is kind of annoying.  Especially when the same person keeps sending 50 billion messages a day.  I get it and I still don't want to go.

3.  Staring at the typical Stanford girls with their flowing locks and slender, athletic builds does not make me feel better.  I am what they deem "curvy" and have a pixie cut and blue hair mind you.

4.  Through mutual friends finding someone that looks really cool (or let's face it, is really cute) and realizing you will never meet them is sad.  When this causes you to almost seem as pathetic and desperate as you currently feel by wanting to message them and hoping for a pen-pal situation that will never happen makes the whole thing even sadder.

5.  Having to read through the news feed and see everyone sort of boasting but pretending not to by posting their latest accomplishment on their status feels strange as you could never bring yourself to do that without feeling silly.

6.  When we judge our worth by number of likes and friends (that aren't even real friends in the true sense of the word since we never see them or talk to them that much) the whole thing seems like a bit of a hoax.

Why Hello Old Friend

I blame my late posting about the Oscars on post-Oscar hangover.  Not an alcoholic hangover, a hangover from all the pizza and snacks I ate.  My mom, sister, and I watched a whole day's worth of red carpet pre-pre and pre-shows as promised.  After, I realized that I had watched three hours of skinny people while I ate a whole pizza.

There were some awkward red carpet moments, like when Ryan Seacrest seemingly dissed Catherine Zeta-Jones.  Let the woman have her mani-cam moment Seacrest!  Also, Giuliana Rancic asked Reese Witherspoon what her secret to having great, shiny hair was and Witherspoon said it was post-baby hair.  Ouch, a bit insensitive considering Rancic had trouble conceiving and finally had a baby via surrogate.  (Rancic chose Witherspoon as one of her worst-dressed on Fashion Police after.  Coincidence?  I think not.)  Lastly, Jennifer Hudson felt the need to keep reminding us that she had won an Oscar.  We remember, trust us.  Wait, also, did anyone catch Octavia Spencer being listed as Viola Davis on E!?  They don't look anything alike!  I was looking around going, where's Viola Davis?

Other than the awkward moments, the red carpet was full of gorgeous gowns.  Interesting and daring they may not have been, but pretty they were.  Where was Marchesa this year?  I love their dresses usually.  My faves were Kerry Washington in a strawberry Miu Miu gown (she is flawless), Naomi Watts in a futuristic, metallic Armani Prive dress, Jessica Chastain in old Hollywood glamour-a beautiful Armani Prive dress, and finally JLaw (that never caught on for some reason) of course!  Jennifer Lawrence looked absolutely stunning.  She was so young and fresh in a Dior Haute Couture blush-colored gown that everyone said could have looked bridal.  It didn't and she looked like a winner.  Her backwards necklace caused a stir although frankly I didn't understand the purpose of it.  I just kept thinking it would be annoying having to make sure it stayed that way.

Some looks that didn't quite hit the mark were Amanda Seyfried, in an Alexander McQueen gown that seemed uncomfortable in its fitting under her arms.  You would think they could go a size up since they're so tiny.  I also didn't love Anne Hathaway's last-minute change to Prada (I don't know why she wouldn't want her winning night to be in her bestie Valentino's gown).  It did look a bit like Seyfried's dress but who cares if you look better, plus she was the one who was winning an award.  I did like her hair, though, and am trying to recreate it myself but failing kind of horribly.  (Speaking of short hair, could Charlize Theron look any more beautiful?  The woman pulls off a boy-cut like no one else, perhaps since Natalie Portman after V for Vendetta.)  I liked the dress she wore on stage to sing better (the one with the sparkles and tiers).  I don't get why Hathaway is getting so much flak, though.  She is a talented actress and seems nice even if she does try a little hard.  I have a feeling that is the way I would come off on screen whereas my sister would come off more like Jennifer Lawrence who is so incredibly funny and likable.

Now, on to the show.  Seth MacFarlane did a good job in my book considering it was his first time and there were quite some funny moments.  I cannot believe that the "We Saw Your Boobs" song has caused this much controversy.  My mom did say that he should've done a song about the men too though, like Jane Fonda has also said now.  That is MacFarlane's humor and overall he was pretty G-rated.  I think sometimes everyone in the business takes themselves a little too seriously.  If we can't get Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to host next year can we please get Kathy Griffin?  Pretty please?

There were some surprises during the night.  Ang Lee was an upset.  I figured if Ang Lee hadn't won before then maybe he should get it but he had already one for his much much better work in Brokeback Mountain.  Steven Spielberg deserved this and it seemed that Lincoln got slighted (Silver Linings Playbook did too a little).  Any other year Lincoln would have done a Titanic-like sweep.  Christoph Waltz was another surprise.  I was rooting for Tommy Lee Jones but Waltz was fantastic (probably the best thing) in Django Unchained.  He really should stick with Quentin Tarantino!

Argo won for Best Picture deservedly, Daniel Day-Lewis took home the Best Actor award, and Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress.  Amour won for Best Foreign Language Film and Best Screenplay went to Django Unchained (for Original) and Argo (for Adapted).  I am so glad that Jennifer Lawrence won!  She is so charismatic and adorable.  I don't mean to seem like I'm gushing, eh who am I kidding?  I am totally gushing.  If it was even possible, her fall made her even more likable.  Flats, ladies, wear flats!

So, it was a fun night and what the Oscars should be...a show! (Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron were amazing in their dance in the opener and who knew Seth MacFarlane could sing so well?)

Ah, 'til next year...